Saturday, November 25, 2017


I'm still struggling to believe that I deserve to not hurt. Keep seeing the same pattern no matter how long I work on it. Everywhere I turn sadists. Then I turn to myself, send God fury over my unjust suffering, relapse again, drink red wine till I pass out. Wake up cold and wet, spilled it all over myself. I change and strip the bed feeling a gaping wound in my solar plexus (a God shaped hole 😉). The mattress is soaked in wine. My all white eeyore doll has a red hole in his side.
this is a crime scene. I'm covered in bruises and scabs. My liver is aching. Head burning. I've been shot repeatedly and lain on this bed bleeding out. There's blood spatter oozing down the walls. There's a blood soaked stuffed animal in my arms. I'm waiting for the hug that never comes. Just more tears.
My family hates me. My son is tortured by my demons. I don't know how to get better.
clever words. Occult riddles. Chanting in front of my nichirin box. It's

where can I learn self love? Not this ego stroking pride. Not this desire filled facade. I am empty of answers.
tired of hatred and spite
I just want to stop hurting.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

IN the vortex

Yesterday I found an Abraham-Hicks CD called "In the vortex of creation."  I decided to listen to it on a long car ride and it was so much better than the radio.  (I changed my dial!)

What came through for me so clearly was that creating with energy does not require words, in fact, it doesn't understand words, it responds to your attention.  So shouting "go away!" at a problem (like I did yesterday to sexism) just attracts it.  However, there is a purpose, and that is that by focusing on a problem you are expanding it, and your divine self is always responding with a solution.  So the more you are frustrated by your problem, the bigger and better the solution will get.  But none of that will matter if you don't see the solution.  Your physical self can't sense it.

The solution is a different vibration than the problem.  Oh wow, this helps me so much.  To raise your vibration means aligning with all those wonderful solutions!!!  I am really inspired by this.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Bursts of Color and Code

After setting my intentions down clearly yesterday, I received guidance so directly and quickly that it tickled me.  It was fun and freeing, and a little bit scary, so I asked my guides to help me release the fear.

Me:  I realize that I am at the point where there is no time delay between my desire to manifest and the creation.  The "no time delay" aspect is scaring me, because I don't trust my thoughts.  I still have angry, negative thoughts, or I'm afraid even my subconscious thoughts will negatively affect the outcome of what I desire"

>A great flood of colors and energy fill my body.  My nerves are tingling, I feel like a fiber optic Christmas tree<    You never need to fear this.  Do you think we cannot tell the difference between a clearly thought out, well-worded intentional statement, and a fleeting lower level emotion?  >I feel relief<
Know this.  Your thoughts are as clouds, mostly grey, sometimes thunderous, sometimes diaphanous.   Your emotions are great bursts of color, as paint dripped in a pool of lighted plasma.  You are forever emitting these colors and clouds.  But when a thought pattern is meditated upon, not just repeated, but transformed, actually consumed by your body and remitted with a new understanding only your form could create, it is clearly recognizable to us as black and white, a harshly edited symbology against a wall of color.  It is the code of your world computer.  So continue your practice, refining your thoughts, meditation or inner stillness before you put your intention out, breathe through your heart, and let your colors soar.  do not be afraid of your emotional self.  It is an integral part of your ascension.

Sunday, March 17, 2013


Song of a vestal virgin

I refrained from dancing in the rain but the rain came
despite me
Nature is like that, not caring about your desires
unlike me
She demands you follow her timing
try me
try to outwit a hurricane
walk through a wildfire
walk underwater
My will against the Powers
I lose every time
Each loss, a greater cost.

Each perfect day a challenge
Daydream powered madness
Don't hesitate
Here It Is
That supernatural bliss