I'm still struggling to believe that I deserve to not hurt. Keep seeing the same pattern no matter how long I work on it. Everywhere I turn sadists. Then I turn to myself, send God fury over my unjust suffering, relapse again, drink red wine till I pass out. Wake up cold and wet, spilled it all over myself. I change and strip the bed feeling a gaping wound in my solar plexus (a God shaped hole 😉). The mattress is soaked in wine. My all white eeyore doll has a red hole in his side.
this is a crime scene. I'm covered in bruises and scabs. My liver is aching. Head burning. I've been shot repeatedly and lain on this bed bleeding out. There's blood spatter oozing down the walls. There's a blood soaked stuffed animal in my arms. I'm waiting for the hug that never comes. Just more tears.
My family hates me. My son is tortured by my demons. I don't know how to get better.
clever words. Occult riddles. Chanting in front of my nichirin box. It's
where can I learn self love? Not this ego stroking pride. Not this desire filled facade. I am empty of answers.
tired of hatred and spite
I just want to stop hurting.