Saturday, April 26, 2014

IN the vortex

Yesterday I found an Abraham-Hicks CD called "In the vortex of creation."  I decided to listen to it on a long car ride and it was so much better than the radio.  (I changed my dial!)

What came through for me so clearly was that creating with energy does not require words, in fact, it doesn't understand words, it responds to your attention.  So shouting "go away!" at a problem (like I did yesterday to sexism) just attracts it.  However, there is a purpose, and that is that by focusing on a problem you are expanding it, and your divine self is always responding with a solution.  So the more you are frustrated by your problem, the bigger and better the solution will get.  But none of that will matter if you don't see the solution.  Your physical self can't sense it.

The solution is a different vibration than the problem.  Oh wow, this helps me so much.  To raise your vibration means aligning with all those wonderful solutions!!!  I am really inspired by this.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Bursts of Color and Code

After setting my intentions down clearly yesterday, I received guidance so directly and quickly that it tickled me.  It was fun and freeing, and a little bit scary, so I asked my guides to help me release the fear.

Me:  I realize that I am at the point where there is no time delay between my desire to manifest and the creation.  The "no time delay" aspect is scaring me, because I don't trust my thoughts.  I still have angry, negative thoughts, or I'm afraid even my subconscious thoughts will negatively affect the outcome of what I desire"

>A great flood of colors and energy fill my body.  My nerves are tingling, I feel like a fiber optic Christmas tree<    You never need to fear this.  Do you think we cannot tell the difference between a clearly thought out, well-worded intentional statement, and a fleeting lower level emotion?  >I feel relief<
Know this.  Your thoughts are as clouds, mostly grey, sometimes thunderous, sometimes diaphanous.   Your emotions are great bursts of color, as paint dripped in a pool of lighted plasma.  You are forever emitting these colors and clouds.  But when a thought pattern is meditated upon, not just repeated, but transformed, actually consumed by your body and remitted with a new understanding only your form could create, it is clearly recognizable to us as black and white, a harshly edited symbology against a wall of color.  It is the code of your world computer.  So continue your practice, refining your thoughts, meditation or inner stillness before you put your intention out, breathe through your heart, and let your colors soar.  do not be afraid of your emotional self.  It is an integral part of your ascension.

Sunday, March 17, 2013


Song of a vestal virgin

I refrained from dancing in the rain but the rain came
despite me
Nature is like that, not caring about your desires
unlike me
She demands you follow her timing
try me
try to outwit a hurricane
walk through a wildfire
walk underwater
My will against the Powers
I lose every time
Each loss, a greater cost.

Each perfect day a challenge
Daydream powered madness
Don't hesitate
Here It Is
That supernatural bliss

Saturday, March 9, 2013


Cars from space

Yesterday when I was driving up the mountain I saw the most expensive car I have ever seen in my life.  I don't even know what kind of car it was, it didn't have a symbol or a brand name emblazoned upon it.  Years ago, when I was living in LA, I saw cars like this randomly, and it would make me wonder, "how expensive is it to fly a car in from Europe?  Surely the fuel cost alone is more than I have ever paid for any car ever"  And also, "Damn, that's a nice car."

But this car right here!  It caught my eye for many reasons.  Years of living in poorer parts of the country, and my own personal financial situation have caused me to become startled by outrageous shows of wealth in ways I never was before.

For example, I haven't had any reason to go to a mall or a fancy grocery store in years.  So when I took my son to Barne's and Noble's last week I felt like I was in fairyland.  I forgot that people actually buy frivolous,  pretty things, and how much I wanted to as well. But mostly I felt a sense of shock.  Many of my younger friends, who are all creative and intelligent, are living in situations where bathrooms and enough hot water are not always available.  Wi-fi is not just in everyone's home.  It's really cold a lot of the time, who can afford fuel?  Food is mostly a pile of vegetables that will go bad if you don't cook it in creative ways right now.  So I was feeling a bit of a culture shock that this book store was more comfie and cozy than most people's homes. 

Wealth disparity.  So I'm in the mountains in one of the most impoverished parts of America, this stretch of mountain between Greensboro and Asheville.  I like to fill my tank up and drive right on through that area in order to avoid stopping at any of these trucker gas stations along I-40 or visiting, however briefly, one of those towns which consist of liquor stores, churches, and trailer parks. 

Then comes this car  >BOOM< as if it was dropped from space.  It made no noise at all.  It moved like a hovercraft on an important mission.  The headlights were purple halogen.  The color scheme was silver and the model was sleek-see definition of.

"WHat kind of car IS that?"  I wondered, struggling to make out identifying marks of any kind.  I was in awe of the science behind this car.  But none of this caused me to notice the car.

I noticed it because it was trying to drive me off the road.  On top of a mountain.  With two semis on one side of me and another in front, and despite the fact that I was doing well over the speed limit.  This car was just up my ass, to go with a current motif.  Insistently up my ass, and I had nowhere to go until the lumbering truck in front of me made way.  I figured the guy in the space car would slow down and wait for the "passing lane magic" to happen because -- physics, mainly.  common sense.  Also, laws and just having manners.

Oh, was I wrong.  Space Car then tried to run me off to the left side of the road.  I was starting to have a panic attack.  I wanted space car to get the fuck away from me.  "Where could he be going in such a hurry?" I wondered.  Must be High Point University.  Right here in the middle of nowhere, we have America's most prestigious university.

This is one of those things those rich people from space do.  They take struggling, failing communities, buy up all the land as it is dirt-cheap, and then.  They build and improve the community!  No, that's what people do, rich, poor or otherwise.  Rich people from space buy more land than you even knew you had in your community, build a wall around it so none of you can get in, and then build a fantastic fucking palace for their kids while watching yours starve to death.  They do not give a fuck about the community or anyone in it.

This is what High Point University is.  I wonder if I could get my son a scholarship to go there?  He could have tea served to him between classes, and a three piece band would play while he ate at "Nobles."  As one resident of High Point said, "the nobility ends there.  because if one of you condescending, spoiled assholes comes into the real town, you are going to be shamed, stained, and maimed."

It's not about the wealth at all.  It's about the rape culture.  We all hate it.  Men, women, animals, the earth, the water the sky.  Let's fucking bring it down.  End this insulting bullshit once and for all.

I made it to Asheville for my family tharapy session, where my son and I are working on not being verbally abusive.  This is more difficult for me than I realized, and I was having a lot of shame about it, so the therapist is having us make a chart.  It is a family tree, but instead of featuring the names of family,  it features the way in which that person communicates.

I know this is supposed to help me not feel so guilty and put things in perspective.  And I know it would be a therapeutic communication fail to say that when I look at this chart I want to jump off a bridge.  It is just that on some days I feel small and powerless and very afraid.  I don't want to bear the emotional brunt of a problem which has been totally ignored for 6 generations or more.  Or maybe it hasn't.  I will not know because utter silence is the communication style.  And a door closed quietly in my face is what I get if I ask again.

But I want to know.  How do you feel about eugenics?  I can tell you how I feel.  It's destroyed my self-esteem and my confidence as a mother, and it makes it difficult for me to feel as if I have a right to exist.  That one concept, that one idea, that someone's race or gender or IQ or place of birth gives them more of a right to live than someone else.  That idea, of assigning MORE or LESS of a right to live, it has poisoned my fucking mind.  This grain of sand, as my sister says, "this irritation..perhaps it shall turn to pearl."

In therapy, looking at that chart with my sign, I kept seeing that car drive by.  Just there for a moment.  That was me.  In the passenger seat.